So I’ve passed the first week.
Last week Tuesday I walked to the store to buy a pack of smokes. Stoned, of course. As I’m walking along, I start thinking about my life, whats gone on for the last year, where things are heading, what I’m doing…
Nothing.
Thats it. Nothing. I find myself in a 9-to-5 job, with a roommate (in his house no less), living paycheck-to-paycheck. Everything I had done for the last few years was all predicated on what someone else had wanted. Not me. And there I was, yet again, walking my fat ass to the store to get a pack of smokes, completely oblivious of my predicament.
I guess thats what those A.A. guys call a moment of clarity.
So I bought the pack of smokes, left the store, looked at em, and ran the whole way home. Fantastic, no? I haven’t run farther than 20 feet in 10 years. I don’t run for anyone, at any time. But I was pissed off. I ended up getting pretty lit that night at Joe’s, smoked the whole pack, and woke up feeling like utter shite, again. You’d think I’d be used to it now, but it seems to just get worse and worse, every time. I was still pissed off, only now without cigarettes. I went to work, munged aboot with that fucking database all day, clocked out, went home, and I was still pissed off.
So I ran again. Only this time, around the block I live on. I surprised myself, both by not passing out, and by actully following through with it, without cigarettes. I was still pissed, but tired and pissed. Didn’t care so much about the cigarettes. Later, rinse & repeat, every day, for seven days.
Today.
I still run around the block after work (and I’ve started taking laps in the pool afterwards), though I hope by next week, it’ll be two laps. I still haven’t smoked a cigarette. I’m still pissed off. Somewhere inside, that small flame I had put out when I was still a kid has come back to life. I want to fuck someone up, and don’t really mind getting all fucked up trying. I want to do dumb shit. I want to feel my pulse again. That urge to throw myself off of something stupid, tall and fast.
That little bit of anger. That little bit of hate.
And I like it.
